“The guy who passed away….”

10 Feb

ben-hawaii-2008

Hello my Soul Mate,

It’s that day again. February 10th. A day that is just another ordinary day for many, but not for me. This February 10th, the four year anniversary of your death, I am particularly conflicted by difficult emotions that seem to be uncontrollably arising above my usual moderated surface. I went to bed early last night, feeling unusually drained and emotionally stifled, hoping it would be better in the morning. It’s taking me longer than normal to form the feelings into words this year, but I have to do it, and so here we are.

I had a dream about you several nights ago. I don’t remember now what it entailed, but I know it wasn’t one of the typical “Ben” dreams I have about you where, in my wildest depths of imagination, I discover that, via some form of a miracle – or gross soap opera-like misunderstanding –, you didn’t die after all, and that you are really alive!! It’s always the most joyous feeling for me, to know that this has all been a big mistake and that you’re really here and that you’ve come back to me, after living in absentia for these past years, only to make the reunion even that more meaningful and special. Two soul mates reunited, and then everything is better. It’s the best feeling in the world, and I just want it to last forever. But then I wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Yes, you’re definitely an abstraction in my subconsciousness, taking up residence always in the back of my mind. You surface in my dreams, but also, I imagine, elsewhere during my days. When I randomly talk to you, or say “I love you”, I can only envisage that what prompted my inner mind to speak to you was the fact that you must be there with me, watching me, alongside me. And you’re absolutely welcome to be here with me whenever you desire.

Yesterday you were referred to as “the guy who passed away”, by a friend of mine who never knew you. I don’t want you to be only known as an entity who was here before and is no longer. You were a vibrant, living being, and I want you to be recognized for your existence, your meaning, your life, your purpose, your impact in this world and your achievements, aspirations, thoughts and dreams.

People enter and leave this world on a daily basis, and four years ago, it was your turn to leave, but you left me here and your imprint on me is still marked strongly. What you left here with me was an impression of a vibrant soul and being that can never be extinguished from my soul. Your memories dwell inside of me, because you were too dynamic of a being for them not to. Your imprint is always there.

Nine years ago we found each other, and it was meant to be. I don’t think that’s something that just happens every day. Certainly once in a lifetime, for me. I found you when I was 30; now I’m 39. The world still slowly cranks by me, day by day, as you go on to live in another dimension that I cannot even begin to comprehend. I believe you’re happy, and that’s what matters to me. Go on, wherever you are, and I’ll catch up to you one day.

Ben's 39th birthday celebration - eating cake!

Ben’s 39th birthday celebration – eating cake!

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One Response to ““The guy who passed away….””

  1. Michelle Prent February 10, 2015 at 4:43 pm #

    Today is a hard day for many of us as are many days.Today is a bit harder though as it’s the anniversary of my Brother Ben passing away. I hate how it’s called an anniversary. To me an anniversary is something nice. I miss you Ben, and wish we’d finished those talks we were having and all of your wishes and concerns you had to be conquered. I feel the presence of you here always, and a few others do also. It’s not just a typical hoping youre here thing, I know you are!! There’s reasons for my knowing. As I said last time I wrote, “I believe I see you in my dreams when we talk.” You are not like others where I can’t see the faces. You and I are sitting talking like normal and I see and hear you quite clearly! I am so happy for it too! I believe we are right where we left off. And you haven’t completely left me! I just wish you were here for all of us to hug and hold. You’d be so proud of your Nieces and Nephew, and your great Nephews are adorable! Mom is doing alright as can be right now. Everyone is doing well, but know we are all missing and loving you today and each and everyday. Until my next dream Ben, I Love You!!
    Love, Mitch (Li’l Sis) XOXOXOX

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