Tag Archives: death

“The guy who passed away….”

10 Feb

ben-hawaii-2008

Hello my Soul Mate,

It’s that day again. February 10th. A day that is just another ordinary day for many, but not for me. This February 10th, the four year anniversary of your death, I am particularly conflicted by difficult emotions that seem to be uncontrollably arising above my usual moderated surface. I went to bed early last night, feeling unusually drained and emotionally stifled, hoping it would be better in the morning. It’s taking me longer than normal to form the feelings into words this year, but I have to do it, and so here we are.

I had a dream about you several nights ago. I don’t remember now what it entailed, but I know it wasn’t one of the typical “Ben” dreams I have about you where, in my wildest depths of imagination, I discover that, via some form of a miracle – or gross soap opera-like misunderstanding –, you didn’t die after all, and that you are really alive!! It’s always the most joyous feeling for me, to know that this has all been a big mistake and that you’re really here and that you’ve come back to me, after living in absentia for these past years, only to make the reunion even that more meaningful and special. Two soul mates reunited, and then everything is better. It’s the best feeling in the world, and I just want it to last forever. But then I wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Yes, you’re definitely an abstraction in my subconsciousness, taking up residence always in the back of my mind. You surface in my dreams, but also, I imagine, elsewhere during my days. When I randomly talk to you, or say “I love you”, I can only envisage that what prompted my inner mind to speak to you was the fact that you must be there with me, watching me, alongside me. And you’re absolutely welcome to be here with me whenever you desire.

Yesterday you were referred to as “the guy who passed away”, by a friend of mine who never knew you. I don’t want you to be only known as an entity who was here before and is no longer. You were a vibrant, living being, and I want you to be recognized for your existence, your meaning, your life, your purpose, your impact in this world and your achievements, aspirations, thoughts and dreams.

People enter and leave this world on a daily basis, and four years ago, it was your turn to leave, but you left me here and your imprint on me is still marked strongly. What you left here with me was an impression of a vibrant soul and being that can never be extinguished from my soul. Your memories dwell inside of me, because you were too dynamic of a being for them not to. Your imprint is always there.

Nine years ago we found each other, and it was meant to be. I don’t think that’s something that just happens every day. Certainly once in a lifetime, for me. I found you when I was 30; now I’m 39. The world still slowly cranks by me, day by day, as you go on to live in another dimension that I cannot even begin to comprehend. I believe you’re happy, and that’s what matters to me. Go on, wherever you are, and I’ll catch up to you one day.

Ben's 39th birthday celebration - eating cake!

Ben’s 39th birthday celebration – eating cake!

February 10

10 Feb

Well, this is really difficult for me: putting words to paper that express the thoughts and feelings that I am having on this special day. Special not in a good way, but special in a tragic way, because this day, February 10th, commemorates 2 years now that the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend, was taken away from me – and from the rest of us in this world.

A lot has happened in this past year, and in the year before that. Time flies by quickly – at least in my life, it does. And I guess that is a good thing, because this means that I haven’t stopped living, that I still have purpose for living, even though the once one most important thing (person) in my life is no longer here. Although I think about him every day, this yearly anniversary is a befitting time to evaluate my life as a whole, and to reminisce and contemplate the way my world and feelings are now, 730 days after my world once fell apart.

A lot happens to you on an internal level when you’re suddenly permanently separated from the one you used to share every day and every aspect of your life with. I can understand how, in both the human animal and non-human animal worlds, the half of the couple that is left behind can often wither away and die as well shortly after the partner is no longer there to ever, EVER share their life with them again.

Losing a partner to death is a lot worse than losing a partner for any other reason (ie. a break-up). The difference is that not only is it permanent, as in FOREVER, but you know that there is NO way that you can ever communicate with them on this plane we call Earth again, no matter how much you want to or how much you try. (unless you’re a gifted psychic person, which I am not)

Because I knew for most of our relationship that this day would eventually come, I took it upon myself to cherish, as much as possible, the time that we did have to spend together on Earth. No matter how difficult things got, I really tried to step back and appreciate the larger picture, which was: you’re here now, you’re with me now. You may not be in a year (or two) from now. So I need to value the time that we have together, right now, at this moment, because I know that it won’t always be like this. Life is too short to not make the best of it, however you can. That’s really true, and I wish everyone else knew it as well.

If there’s any knowledge that I can impart to people, from my experiences, I would say these things:

  • Live your life to the fullest extent that you can – you only have a finite amount of time here on this Earth, which could end at any time, so don’t wait too long to do the things that you truly want to do. Try not to let obstacles hold you back.
  • Live your life with purpose. Act now as the person who you want to be. Don’t wait. If you were to die tomorrow, would you be happy dying as the person you now exemplify yourself to be?
  • Try not to be petty in your relationships. When things aren’t going perfectly, be the bigger person and let them go. Be wholeheartedly grateful that they are alive. If you truly love this person, you will realize that you’d rather be happy with him or her now in this moment, rather than to not have him or her here at all.
  • Make positive memories with your loved ones now, while you can. In the future, there will no longer be an opportunity to make memories that you can reflect upon once they are gone.

Death is a permanent thing. What I hate the most is that I know that I can never experience any new minutes in life again with Ben. I can only reminisce about the ones in the past. So I am grateful that there were many, many good times that we had together that not only do I think about, but that I hope he is thinking about as well, where ever he may be. I prefer to focus on the positive; the negative is too depressing.

Last year, February 10th didn’t happen for me. I was on a plane to India on the 9th, and when we arrived on the ground, it was the 11th. So I never had the opportunity to mark the one year anniversary date, which is weird to me. It’s also strange to me to think that 2 whole years have gone by now. Two years is so much time that we could have had together! So much to do, so much to experience. His life experiences stopped, while mine continue on.

Thinking of you always, Ben.

Happy times.

Happy times.